All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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