What did we do last night that was yellow?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
