Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
