So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
