I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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