I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize