I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
