I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Damn victory sex feels great
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
