just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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