theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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