I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
