I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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