So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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