i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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