Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
