I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
