I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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