My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
