just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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