i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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