can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
