Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
