the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
