Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
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