Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
