Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
