Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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