My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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