Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I wish there were birth control emojis
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
