I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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