it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
there is puke in my bra ... again
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
