look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
