After last night, I could never be a politician.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize