thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize