the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
