The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize