it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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