the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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