oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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