Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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