I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
