Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
