everyone is single if you try hard enough
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize