and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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