i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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