Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
