so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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