it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
