A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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