The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
