he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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