So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
