shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
