he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
