I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
