so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
