i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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