I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
